It was a precious moment.
One of those that any money or natural resource known to man could not purchase. My heart stopped in my throat as it happened. I would have given anything to have had a camcorder to forever engrave it in my memory. As it is, I have to trust that the impact will always be strong enough for it to stay on its own...
Funny, you know, it is something that most mothers have experienced and probably taken for granted as I'm sure I did at one time. Or maybe just chalked it up to one of those cute things kids do. Something clever and heart warming to enter into 'Funniest Home Videos' or 'Kids Say the Darndest Things.' But you know it didn't hit me like that, not today... not this child.
You see things are a little different right now, but I'll tell you about that later. First let me tell you what he did.
We were driving along and he said, "Mommy!" and I, not paying much attention said, "What?" He said, "Look at me!" So I did, when I looked down, me heart leaped, for my little 4 year old son was trying his best to wink at me -- his Mommy, to him the most beautiful and best lady in the world. His security, his source of comfort, his buffeter, the one who makes everything OK.
When he winked, I said, "What are you doing?" Thinking that it must have been a fluke. He said, "I'm winking at you Mommy because I love you sooo much."
Where he saw this I do not know, but I know it must have made an impact on him for him to want to do it to me and understand what it meant. You might say, "So what? My child does that." Or, "You should see what mine did the other day."
Please understand I am in no way minimizing the importance of your own very special moments, but you must understand something. My little son, who took the time today to struggle to wink properly at his Mommy only has days to live. He is dying before my very eyes of a cancerous brain tumor.
The impact of the everyday things that he does is like a freight train running head on into the core of my being. My thoughts and emotions are suddenly arrested throughout the day with phrases and looks that at one time were so easily ignored. It is a very bittersweet life that I live right now, my baby being so much 'in love' with his Mommy, so normal in so many ways and not suffering for the most part. It makes the pain that I feel at the impending loss sometimes so unreal and difficult to experience. Don't get me wrong, I want it no other way. I know we have been graced by a loving Father to be given such wonderful days with our son, but I have to admit, at times it is excruciating. I often ponder, "Is it harder for parents when the death of a child is an accident and so sudden? Or is it harder to watch them go and to take on the immense responsibility of preparing them to meet face to face the one who loves them the most?"
I honestly do not know the answer to that question. All I know is that today I was graced by God to receive a wink from one of the most important men in my life, my four year old son.
Somehow, the grass got a little greener, the sky bluer, a joy I cannot express filled my heart. But at the same time, a sadness and hole as big as the Grand Canyon began to fill my insides and I had to call out to the one who gives us the strength to handle the pain we suffer in this life. I'm so glad He listens.